What Does Your Soul Look Like?
by psorange
Summary: An alternative interpretation of how events following episode 109 could have unfolded. Includes all characters, but they will float in and out as their storylines do.
1. Going Down in Flames

**What Does Your Soul Look Like?**

A/N: A brief word of introduction. This work of fiction begins immediately following episode 109, and nothing that occurred previous to that moment in the show has been altered. Italics are used to indicate thoughts in first person POV. It is generally clear who the thinker is from the context; however, in the first chapter (to avoid confusion) I separated each thinker to make it clear. After this opening chapter, dividers indicate events taking place in a different location or between different people. Finally, I own nothing about One Tree Hill.

**PART I: Almost There, Going Nowhere**

... just wait one minute more, because my heart is halfway torn and you're already gone.

**Chapter 1: Going Down in Flames**

"... I want all the same things that you want, I do. And I want them with you ..."

Peyton's confession to Lucas hung in the air, its implication thickening as Brooke enters the room, clearly dressed for more "recreational" activities. "Hey superstar, ready to score? ..." she chirps, her voice trailing off as she notices Peyton standing uncomfortably in the room. _What is she doing here? Nothing like a former fling to ruin the mood._

Brooke notices the discomfort in Lucas – it was evident from the way his body had tensed up – as he looked intently at a visibly uncertain Peyton. _Okay, this had to be more that a courtesy call. Couldn't be a booty call ... that's my department. _She shifts her gaze from Lucas to Peyton and back again. _I am definitely catching a weird vibe here. Normally, I'd have something clever to say, but this time ..._

x x x x

_A mistake. A great big mistake. How could I have been so stupid? He looks as confused as I feel. And Brooke...here? _Peyton catches Brooke's eye for a split second. _Does she know why I'm here? Oh, I couldn't forgive myself if she was really into him; ironically, it would be the first guy in a long time, possibly ever, that she was interested in for more than just purely physical sport. Normally this would just be a fling, but you never can tell with Brooke Davis. _

Peyton looks to the floor, starting to turn toward the door. _Maybe I should just leave. Run away from it all. It would be better for everyone if I did. But Lucas..._she hesitates and turns to look back at him ... _could I give up on him so easily?_

x x x x

Brooke reads the message etched on Peyton's face as clearly as if it had been painted in the sky, or a bright neon sign had been erected over her head. _Our friendship betrays you, Peyton. I know why you're here. He should be mine now, you've already had your chance. _Her face conjures up the hint of a satisfied smirk that she can't suppress. In times of conflict Brooke usually resorted to combative tactics, rather than facing the truth in a poised and rational manner. This counted as one of those times, regardless of her relationship with Peyton. _He cares for me and we have fun together. And I will fight for him...even against you, Peyton._

x x x x

Peyton, who was unable to match Lucas' gaze for longer than a moment – his intensity was nearly suffocating – found herself looking past him to investigate the expressions flickering over Brooke's face. _Was that a smile of satisfaction on Brooke's face? Am I that transparent? Should I duke it out with her over him? Too many questions in too short a time_. Tiring of trying to read Brooke, Peyton swung her eyes back to rest on Lucas. His face was twisted into an expression of tortured regret – his eyes plead with her to not hold this incident against him. In that instant, she dares to believe that a sliver of a chance exists somewhere in the fabric of the universe that Lucas and her could be happy together, someday. Far away from any conflict.

x x x x

Maintaining the same tortured expression Peyton had seen a moment earlier, Lucas rotates his head to glance back at Brooke, who seemed strangely speechless and...smug? The pleading expression vanishes from his eyes and he narrows them, focusing on trying to think level-headedly. He turns back to Peyton. His initial synopsis: _Brooke's incredulous and Peyton's scared. _He allowed himself an indecipherable grimace before reverting to intense introspection. _Could've asked for better timing. I should have expected something like this to happen. At least I know one thing for sure ... I can not make this choice tonight, not in this mental condition and amidst the weight of this suffocating tension. My head is not in the right place. People's _(actually my own, he corrected himself)_ relationships are hanging in the balance._

Lucas knew he needed to be the one to break the silence. _But how? What could possibly sound plausible at this juncture? _Internally, he cursed himself. _So many questions and not many answers_. And then he had a sudden crazy thought. He was grasping at a thin shred of believability but he had to try. Diverting attention from the potentially disastrous situation facing them was the best way out. He was sure of it. They all needed time.

"Listen...Brooke...Peyton..." he started. Brooke and Peyton both snapped suddenly out of their awkward, dream-state staring match as Lucas continued. "I just realized something, something important." Both of the girls leaned forward sub-consciously, each expecting to hear the good news that she was the one he had chosen. Peyton, who was facing Lucas and had a better angle on his facial expressions, saw it first. _He's caught in the middle, between us, and he has absolutely no clue what to do right now!_

"I should go see Nathan. Make sure he's okay, maybe try and patch up our relationship." He grimaced slightly as he used that word, for two reasons: first, he and Nathan had no such thing as a relationship, and second, he was currently trapped in the relationship triangle from hell. "It's just the right thing to do with his condition and all." He finished and looked at the floor. He had given himself an out. A very weak, passive-aggressive, and completely unbelievable excuse, yes, but it was all he had. Now, he needed to make sure neither one of the girls went anywhere alone with him tonight. He could not be followed. Not until his head was clear. But he couldn't directly address that issue either, so he said, "It's probably something I should do on my own."

With that said he turned to go, heading towards the front closet so he could locate a jacket – he needed to get away before anyone stopped him. Brooke watched him go, mouth agape, speechless. Peyton didn't waste any time. When Brooke turned back from watching Lucas leave to confront her best friend, she only saw the door swinging shut. Alone, Brooke frowned. She contemplated going after Peyton. She had many, many questions for her best friend. But she knew she wouldn't be getting straight answers from her now, if ever. Lucas was a different story. She had made him loosen up before, she could do it again. With one last look at Lucas' bedroom door, Brooke spun around and headed to the kitchen. She arrived to find it empty. A gentle breeze floated in through the front door, which Lucas had left slightly ajar in his haste. She sighed. _This may be harder than I thought it would be_. _But I'm not worried_. Brooke forced herself to think confidently. Inside, however, she was quaking.

-Notes:

Story title from a song (in four parts) of the same name by DJ Shadow.

Part I title and byline from a song by The Starting Line.

Chapter title from a song of the same name by 3 Doors Down.


	2. Somewhere a Clock is Ticking

**Chapter 2: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking**

Peyton hurriedly retreated from Lucas' house. She was a little embarrassed, but mostly confused. _How could this have happened? Did Brooke realize what was going on with me? Why I was there? _She almost came to a complete stop, as she measured the pros and cons of returning and talking directly to Brooke (and possibly Lucas) straight off. But that style of interpersonal communication was not her strength. Or her preference. She resolved to let the issue lie for the moment, and not lose sleep over it. _Well, not too much sleep anyway. _She didn't want to care but it was too late for that now. The die had been cast, so to speak.

Despite the circumstances surrounding her encounter with Lucas, it had felt good to get her feelings out into the open. And it was obvious to her that Lucas still felt things for her too. What those feelings were, precisely, were the crux of the issue. But she refused to succumb to apathy, as she normally would. It was too liberating to feel. So she focused on the positives, as hard as it was.

Immediately, two things gave her hope. She had seen the confusion written all over his face as he was struggling to comprehend the situation he was in. And he hadn't chosen Brooke.

x x x x

Lucas had grabbed his jacket, hoping his keys and cell phone were present in its pockets, and tore out of his house. _Crap_, he exclaimed internally. He was in some serious love triangle shit, and he would find out once and for all who really cared the most for whom – including himself. Shaking his head vigorously in a feeble attempt to clear his head, Lucas jogged over to the red tow truck parked in front of his house and climbed in.

For now, he decided to keep his word and go see his brother. _Never thought that seeing Nathan would get me out of a tight spot, _Lucas thought, an ironic smile spreading across his face. _I might as well do the right thing at least once tonight. _With that thought the tense girl-boy-girl stand-off that occurred but five minutes prior came rushing back to him. "Brooke ... Peyton ..." he whispered. "Will we ever be the same?" The lament hung unanswered in the night air.

x x x x

Just as he pulled up to the hospital, Lucas had a wave of doubt wash over him. _Maybe this wasn't such a fantastic idea after all._ In a screwed up way, he hoped Haley was there just so he didn't have to hang out with Nathan alone. It was screwed up because he also didn't really want her to be there – it meant she was involved with Nathan more intimately than he was comfortable with. But it wasn't the time or the place to really get into that issue. He just needed to talk to her, badly. Lucas decided to go in and brave the consequences.

x x x x

Deb stood motionless, staring at her son's empty hospital bed. _Where could be be? How could he take drugs? Why didn't he reach out to me for help? _She took a deep breath and consoled herself. Getting angry at Nathan wasn't going to fix anything at this point. Neither would getting angry at Dan, she admitted, as her husband entered the room.

"A hospital without proper surveillance equipment, can you believe it?" Dan said.

"Surveillance equipment wouldn't have been necessary if you hadn't been so focused on convincing the doctor he was wrong," Deb answered. "Where is our son?"

x x x x

Lucas heard voices coming from Nathan's room in the hospital. It suddenly occurred to him that Dan might be there. _As if this night hadn't sucked enough!_ But he resolved to do it for himself, because it was the right thing to do ... and for Haley, to support her. He needed to do a better job of that; he knew it hurt Haley he wasn't on board the Nathan-Haley bandwagon. So he bowed his head and rounded the corner into the room.

x x x x

Dan opened his mouth to answer his wife but saw her attention shift, quite suddenly. He spun around in that direction, only to see ... his firstborn. Dan was so unprepared for the sight he couldn't find anything smug to say. _I can't believe he's here ... that he would dare show his face around the family I chose to have a future with! And yet, there is a pathetic kind of nobility in it. _He almost let his eyes soften, but he restrained himself. It was far easier to shut Lucas out and belittle him than it was to face mistakes of yesteryear.

x x x x

Despite her anger, Deb nearly smiled as she noticed Lucas approaching the room. She wanted to smile because Lucas was strong, and he was unintentionally sticking it to Dan just by showing up. However, she didn't actually smile for the same reason: Dan. She did her best to appear pleasant and inviting to compensate for what she was sure would be difficult behavior from her husband.

x x x x

Lucas brought his head up as he entered the room. _Uh oh_, he thought, _this is a disaster. I'm in a hospital room, sans Nathan, with my jerk of a father. I suppose I'll have to address him, at least indirectly. _He kept his eyes focused on a strange discoloration on the sterile tiled floor. "Sorry," he mumbled, "I was just checking to see how Nathan was doing. He's gone already so he must be fine. I'll just go." Lucas shifted his weight towards the door as if to leave.

"Yes, he's okay, but -- " Deb started.

Dan cut her off. "Oh, he'll be great, no thanks to you. Do you even care you're destroying Nathan's life? That Whitey is using you as a pawn? That your game is second -- "

"Enough!" Deb re-interrupted. "This won't help Nathan." She turned to Lucas, who had continued to inch his way out. "He's okay, but we don't know where he is," she said desperately. "Any ideas?"

"Like he's going to know," Dan chided. "They hardly operate within the same social spheres."

Lucas looked up, right past the sneer on Dan's face, into Deb's worried eyes. "I have one. I'll check it out for you. I'll tell him you're worried if I see him. If I find him I can give you a heads up, if you want." He moved to leave immediately. _I have to get out of here. Dan is a monster and Deb reminds me too much of Mom._

"Thank you, Lucas. That would be great." Deb answered. He continued out of the room, walking with a purpose. He knew exactly where Nathan was. And he intended to give Deb peace of mind. _Oh, _his brain suddenly reminded him, _and because you have a twisted mess of feelings that shouldn't be dealt with right now, it doesn't hurt to deal with someone else's problems for a little while. Not that I could avoid the inevitable, but it doesn't hurt to try, does it? _Lucas hurried out into the parking lot, running from the pressing weight of that very inevitability. Unfortunately for him, time never take sides. It dutifully marches forward despite our best efforts to escape it.

-Note:

Chapter title from a song of the same name by Snow Patrol.


	3. The More You Talk, The Less I Hear

**Chapter 3: The More You Talk, The Less I Hear**

Brooke returned to Lucas' bedroom and considered waiting for him to get back. _But what would I do when he returned?_ _I could take advantage of him while he was tired and brooding – if there's something I'm good at, it's seduction_. She smiled devilishly, but her smile quickly dissipated. Normally, if any other girl had walked in as Peyton had, she wouldn't even be debating the issue. But her best friend...was it possible? It had never been about guys for them, particularly between them. And now there was a guy, right smack dab in the middle. She was so preoccupied she didn't notice Keith come strolling in. "Hey Luke ..." he started, only to see a confused adolescent girl instead. "Hi Brooke," Keith said quietly. Brook would usually have some flirtatious reply armed and ready , but no such luck this night. "Hi," she squeaked out.

Keith was initially angry Lucas wasn't home but it was clear something was going on. He didn't approve of Lucas' behavior when he was with Brooke but he couldn't bring himself to get into it now. Besides, he really didn't know her that well – most of his perceptions of Brooke were simply that: perceptions only. "Um," Keith said, "do you happen to know where Lucas is? I needed to talk to him."

Brooke nodded slowly. "He said he was going to see how Nathan was doing." She gasped slightly as she finished speaking. _It was so obvious now. Lucas hadn't known what to do, he was trapped between us! _

Keith raised an eyebrow. _If that were true, it was awfully noble for a kid who just got drunk and tattooed in the company of ... _He stopped himself when he noticed she was standing there looking moderately shocked. "Well, thanks." His words pierced through her moment of realization. "If you hear from him tonight, you let me know alright? For now, maybe you should go home." Keith didn't wish to be unpleasant, he just wanted to get things back to normal so when Karen returned life would be good again. This surrogate father thing was so much harder when he was actually on the scene from day to day. _It's going to take some practice_.

Brooke moved as if in a dream, slowly drifting towards the door in Lucas' room. "Okay. Bye," she said breathlessly. She left, and as the door closed, sighs escaped simultaneously from her lips and from Keith's.

x x x x

When Peyton arrived back home she had mindlessly collapsed onto her bed. Initially, her eyes had started to water but she stopped herself with one thought: _I haven't lost anything yet_. _Just a bump in the road_, she thought to cheer herself up, unsuccessfully. _A treacherous, winding, one lane mountain road. But for now it is my road. And maybe one day, Lucas' too._ She sat up and allowed herself a quick smile. It was going to be difficult for her, focusing on hope. Like traveling in a foreign land. _And yet_, she thought as she grabbed a pen and her sketchbook,_ not so foreign. Because in this case, no one's left me yet. And the territory's as foreign to him as it is to me_. With that, she began to draw.

x x x x

Lucas was torn. He had been driving aimlessly for a half hour now. If he was the betting type, Lucas would place a bet in Vegas, double or nothing, on where Nathan was right now. He was with Haley. So he could go there and keep his promise to Deb. That option was unattractive enough to keep him circling the city streets without purpose – just as he had been doing.

Lucas, however, also really needed some time to think, alone. He could discontinue his reconciliations-with-brothers tour right now and focus on his own problems. _Or I could keep my word._ He sighed deeply. _I don't really owe Nathan anything, but I don't need Brooke and Peyton finding out I lied about tonight. And they would find out, despite my best attempts to conceal the truth. Tree Hill is too small for secrets. Actually, that doesn't even matter. It's the principle of the thing: I said I was going to do it so I will. I'd love a few minutes of Haley's time too_. "Ahh, crap!" he exclaimed to nobody in particular. He stopped the truck, reversed direction, and turned down a certain residential street he knew quite well.

x x x x

Keith settled down in an easy chair to wait for Lucas. They needed to have a talk. Something was just off about Lucas' behavior the past few days. Just then, the phone rang. Keith picked up, half expecting Lucas to be on the line. "Hello?"

"Hi, Keith? It's Deb."

"Deb, is everything okay? Is this about Nathan?"

"Well, yes and no. I was actually wondering if Lucas had checked in with you yet."

"No, he hasn't. Why?"

"Well, he stopped by the hospital ... and ... " she trailed off.

"Deb, what happened?"

"When I arrived, Nathan was gone. Dan assured me he was fine but I am still very concerned. Lucas said he had an idea where Nathan was and would check on him for me. That's why I'm curious."

"I'm sorry, Deb, I am. I'm sure if Lucas finds him you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks, Keith."

"Keep me posted, alright?"

"I will."

"Bye."

"Bye." Keith returned the phone to its cradle. He was proud of Lucas for doing something right for once in the last few days. _Still need to talk to him though. I'm not quite sure what's going on in his life right now. We'll get to the bottom of this issue of him and that girl_. He returned to the chair and waited.

x x x x

Lucas pulled up to Haley's house. The thought briefly crossed his mind that he should call home. But he didn't think this would take long given his and Nathan's track record. _That is, if he's here. But there is no way he's not. And if he isn't, he's a bigger jerk than I thought. _Lucas grimaced. For now he'd just have to deal with it. He didn't like it, but Haley was happy – at least it seemed that way. Once inside, he knew he had to cut the tension quickly; he hadn't been terribly accommodating to Haley recently and he needed her tonight. He reached the front door and opened it slowly. Just to be safe, he announced his presence. "Haley?" he called out, "you home?".

x x x x

Upstairs, behind her closed door, Haley thought she heard something. Nathan was close to falling asleep, tired from the game and the drugs and the struggle to stay one step ahead of his father. _Are my parents home early? _She hoped not. And she also didn't want Nathan to wake up after his ordeal today. With two reasons not to get caught laying on her bed – a bed that also contained a boy – fresh in her head, Haley's mind was made up. She carefully rose to her feet and crept over to the door. Just as she was about to grab the door handle, it swung inward, clipping her shoulder as it went by. And suddenly, she was looking at ...

"Lucas?" Haley couldn't believe it. "That hurt!" she hissed, punching him in the shoulder, partly to repay him for the blow from the door and partly out of surprise.

Lucas absorbed the blow and offered a half-smile to his best friend. "Hey Hales," he said softly, "I was wondering if I could..." His voice trailed off as his eyes rose to spot the sleeping form of his half-brother. Haley realized what Lucas had just identified. She felt her chest tighten with the expectation of yet another disagreement with Lucas. _How should I defend it this time? Could Lucas ever understand what is happening to me, what Nathan is doing to my heart? Would I ever understand it?_

Strangely, Lucas did not lash out. Haley looked at him carefully. His mind was somewhere else and his eyes were filled with deep emotions she couldn't place, but they were clearly affecting his behavior. He slowly returned to the present, motioning Haley outside with his free hand, the other still clenching the door knob, knuckles white from the intensity of his grip. She complied and he closed the door gently.

"Lucas," Haley said, "what's the matter? Seen a ghost?" She cracked a wry smile.

"Yeah, if it's the Ghost of Relationships Ruined." Lucas swallowed painfully and forced the next few words out. "How's Nathan doing?"

"He's weak, but okay ... and what did that first part mean? Did something happen?"

"Haley, I need to talk to you about that, but I have to do something else first."

"Okay ... what?"

"I have to call Deb," Lucas said flatly. "I promised her I would."

Haley was extremely confused. Lucas saw her frown and he knew he had to explain. He spent the next five minutes doing just that in hushed tones. "But why try and visit Nathan?" Haley asked. "I mean ..."

Lucas held up his hand to stop her from continuing. "Part of the reason is the thing I need to talk to you about. The other part is I have to give him a chance, like you have. I'd never wish a hospital stay on anyone, especially my ... brother." He forced the last sentence out, just trying the word "brother" on for size. _That feels weird_.

Haley knew better than anyone how sincere Lucas could be. She was grateful he was just going to try, instead of being so ultra-sensitive around Nathan all the time. And she desperately wanted them to get along, or at least tolerate each other so she didn't have to take sides. She nodded. "Alright. But I am not letting you go before two things happen." Lucas cocked his head at this statement. _Just like Haley to have conditions_, he thought. "One, go in and let Nathan know you are here and will be calling his mother. Two, talk to me about what's up with you. Deal?"

Lucas winced at the first condition, but gave Haley a slow nod in response. He took a deep breath. _I came here to do this, so I shouldn't be surprised that I am. It still could be a disaster though. _He reminded himself to exercise conversational restraint.

Haley opened the door and went to wake Nathan. He rolled over and groaned. "You have a visitor," Haley whispered. Nathan sat up, saw Lucas, and groaned again.

"What's he doing here?" Nathan said.

"Listen, man ..." Lucas began haltingly. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. Also, I ran into -- "

"I'm fine." Nathan replied curtly. "Now just let me rest."

Lucas shook his head at his brother's impertinence, but continued. "I promised your mom I'd call her once I found you, and -- "

"Huh?" Nathan almost stood up, but he knew he would not be able to stay up. He settled for sitting up in Haley's bed in as menacing a manner as he could manage. "She can not know where I am right now! You can't call her."

"They are your parents, Nathan," Lucas said in a firm tone.

"That's right. MY parents. Not yours. Go find yourself another family."

Lucas didn't know why he tried. He clenched his fists and jaw, but didn't yell back. He simply turned and walked out. He had backed down for Haley's sake. He just regretted he hadn't got to talk to her.

Haley was frozen in shock. _That had not gone at all as planned_, she thought. _And now Lucas is gone._

-Note:

Chapter title from a song of the same name by Armor For Sleep.


	4. Everything's Not Lost

**Chapter 4: Everything's Not Lost**

Lucas could not believe he had allowed himself to get bothered by something else HE had said. And his attempt to connect with Nathan had been an honest one. _Add that to the list of my regrets. A list which is growing rapidly and may spiral out of control._ He shuddered at the thought. Traveling down the road of negativity was not going to help right now. He consigned himself to completing his role in the Scott family saga before he lost his nerve. Pulling out his cell phone, he dialed an unfamiliar number and listened to it ring. He sort of hoped there would be no answer ...

"Hello?" Deb said into her phone.

"Hi Deb, it's Lucas." He cursed himself for having to do this. _It sucks doing the right thing sometimes._

"Lucas! Did you find Nathan?"

"Yeah. He's fine, just a little tired." _And very ornery. _Lucas braced himself for the inevitable question that had to follow. He had already decided how he would handle it.

"Where is he?" Deb inquired, a hopeful pitch creeping into her voice.

"He's in good hands. That's all I can tell you right now. It seems Nathan just needs a night of reflection." Lucas had no idea if the last part were true. He was using a lie to create a more defensible position for himself, should Deb push the issue. _Or maybe superimposing my own situation onto Nathan's. _Either way, he saw this as the only way he could keep his word with Deb and not completely piss Nathan off. Though it seemed it didn't take much these days to do that either.

"Lucas ... can't you tell me? I am very worried about my son ..." Deb's voice faded. She knew the battle was already over. She hadn't even really expected Lucas to call. _No use fighting it. At least he was safe._ She ratcheted the volume back up. "... sorry. I'll just let you go. Thanks for calling, Lucas."

"You're welcome. Could I ask you a small favor?"

"Yes?" Deb was curious.

"Don't tell Nathan I called. I've already said too much."

"Alright."

Lucas let out the small breath he had been holding. "'Bye, Deb."

"Goodbye, Lucas." Deb choked back a few tears and cursed her husband under her breath.

x x x x

Haley shook out of her trance. She spun around to glare at Nathan. "What!" he said, "You woke me up for that? What'd you expect would happen?"

"You are such an ass! Lucas was here because he was worried about you. And you sent him away without even acknowledging that."

"I don't need his pity. As a matter of fact, I don't need him at all."

"Do you need me?" Haley's eyes gleamed fiercely. She was a little past rationality now – which was rare for her. "Because Lucas and I are a package deal."

"Haley ... don't do this right now," Nathan pleaded with her. His animosity for his brother – half-brother, he reminded himself – had brought out the worst in him again.

"Do what? Demonstrate that I have a backbone? I am not some floozy cheerleading-type that you can play like a stringed instrument ... your primitive charms won't work that easily on me." Haley turned to shut the door to her room. "Get some rest, Nathan," she said monotonically as she walked out.

"Haley!" Nathan called to the closed door. He knew it was useless. He groaned and punched the pillow next to his head a couple times. _I have to stop doing this. Transferring my anger about my own messed-up life onto others only ends up hurting people I care about. It makes me more like HIM everyday._

x x x x

Brooke's mind was in a fog. She couldn't understand why she wasn't the clear choice. She made all the guys swoon each time she looked in their direction. Just one look as all it usually took. So it shouldn't be that hard really. Lucas was an attractive athlete and she was a sexy cheerleader with a low standard of decency. But her "one look" hadn't worked with him. In fact, one look from him was enough to get her all out of her element. _I have to be stronger than that. I can't be affected like that by some boy. _

Then another voice started talking. The voice beneath the cheerleader-popularity facade. The voice beneath layers of wealthy suburban window dressing. The real Brooke Davis. That voice was small and scared, unsure of itself and still finding its way. _This isn't about Lucas choosing between two girls, this is about me finally wanting to be chosen. What if I'm not good enough for him? _She was annoyed she had to ask herself that. _Moment of weakness_, facade-Brooke decided. _Perhaps I'm not ready for all this intense drama. I'm young and I need to have some fun. Not fret over some guy. Even if that guy ends up in my best friend's arms tonight. Tonight I need to be free of it all. _And then her mind was clear, but for that other voice drowning amidst all her insecurities.

x x x x

Peyton's drawing was quickly taking shape. She always drew best when she connected emotionally with her material. _No trouble there,_ she thought. It wasn't really that hard to replicate, because she saw the same scene in her head every time she closed her eyes. As her hand deftly formed three figures standing in that bedroom, a subtle change took place. The casual observer wouldn't notice anything unusual. But the two other people who had been in that room would, if they looked closely. In the image, Lucas was situated between the two best friends, facing Peyton as he had been. Peyton's back was to the observer, so her face was hidden. Brooke was just to Lucas' right. All of this was as it was just a few hours before. But mixed in with the look of tortured regret Lucas had was a small twinkle in his eyes. And this twinkle was impossibly complex; it was clearly not directed at Brooke because she couldn't see it from her position. It was for her, an expression only she could interpret. It was hope.

x x x x

Lucas replaced his phone at his side and raised his hands in a helpless gesture no one else was around to see. He had done what he said he would do. Now he really couldn't avoid the other issues in his life any longer. He wished he could talk to Haley; she was so good at helping him figure stuff out and was supportive of the twisted logic he often used to rationalize behavior. But he couldn't go back there right now. So he began walking to the only place he knew he could be alone with his thoughts: the River Court.

-**Note**: Chapter title from a song of the same name by Coldplay.


	5. Waiting Game

**Chapter 5: Waiting Game**

Deb straightened herself up before entering the study. She didn't want Dan to know how hard she had been crying. Dan was worried too, but he wouldn't let himself show it. That was a sign of weakness. He made himself feel better by remembering the good times, scanning all the photographs and trophies from Nathan's (and his) basketball pedigree. He was doing just that for about the hundredth time that evening when Deb entered. He looked up at her. _Had she been crying? I thought my wife was stronger than that._

Deb spoke quickly so as not to betray her true state of mind. "That was Lucas on the phone. Nathan's okay."

Dan felt relieved, though he was slightly pissed that the son he hadn't wanted knew more about the son he did want that he himself did. If he found irony funny, he might have laughed at this. "That's good news. Can we go pick him up? He needs to rest, so he can be ready for next week."

Deb swallowed loudly. "I don't know where he is. And do we really -- "

"You don't know? Great, Deb. You can't manage to wrangle Nathan's location from a teenage boy? Next time let me handle it." Dan's tone was borderline menacing.

"He's not just your son. I am just as worried and confused as you are." Deb bristled a bit at her husband's impertinence, crossing her arms in front of her body defensively.

"Well, you are wrong about one thing. I am not confused at all. Nathan needs both of us to be united in our focus on him and his future. Not confused."

"Don't you think we should worry a little less about the future and a little more about the present? Our son is clearly hurting, Dan." Deb didn't relish the idea of pushing this issue with her husband, but didn't he recognize how unhappy their son was?

"He just made one little mistake. He's a good kid. He'll be alright." Dan made a small, dismissive hand gesture.

"I don't know how we can talk about this. You are like talking to a brick wall. Can't you see past his accomplishments on the basketball court to the type of person he's becoming?"

"How does that matter if his future is secure? He has a real shot -- "

"At becoming a jackass, like his father." Deb left the room crying even harder than before and not even trying to hide it. What had become of her family?

x x x x

Haley felt terrible. She had nearly forced Lucas to talk to Nathan. _I should have known that it wouldn't go well. It was too soon. _And now Lucas was gone, with some kind of major crisis going on in his life, and nothing could be done. Nathan was upstairs in her room, but she couldn't go in there right now. She was furious at him. _Actually, just very disappointed, _she admitted to herself. A tear trickled down her cheek as she stared at the ceiling of her living room. _I care about Nathan but I can't stand being caught between him and Lucas too much longer. Maybe this is too complicated. Lucas and I can just return to normal and forget everything that has happened recently. _Memories of the not-too-distant past swirled in her head for a few hours before she succumbed to exhaustion, falling asleep on the couch.

x x x x

Nathan knew he had screwed up. With Peyton he could call her up right away, apologize, and all would be back to normal. Of course, Peyton had told him that normal sucked with them. So maybe that wasn't the approach of choice. He also had a feeling in his gut that his relationship with Haley was very different. And very complicated. Despite all his experience with girls, he had no experience with this kind of girl. _For the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what to do_. As he struggled with that uncertainty, the old impulse to just go and correct his mistakes (i.e. apologize) nearly took over. But some unseen force stopped him. He lay in Haley's bedroom, confused and weak, and experienced the pain of loneliness in a very significant way for the first time. Eventually, the physical ordeal he had undergone overwhelmed the mental and emotional gymnastics going on in his head and he fell into a restless slumber.

x x x x

Keith found that he had been sitting in the living room, staring aimlessly at the various wall hangings, for a lot longer than he had intended. An empty tumbler sat next to him, the shot of whiskey long since consumed, leaving the leftover ice to melt into a slick film which covered the bottom. _Lucas should have been home by now ... I can't imagine visiting Nathan would go on all this time_. Civility between the two brothers was something a of a new trend. So new that it wasn't really a trend yet.

Never a man of inaction, Keith decided to go try and find his wayward nephew. _But where should I search? _He reasoned that Lucas' absence more than likely had to do with Brooke, since earlier he had observed her to be in a state of distress. If Lucas wasn't actually talking to anyone about this, he was off somewhere thinking about it. _And where better for Luke to think than the ol' River Court? _With his destination firmly in mind, Keith headed out the door.

-**Note**: Chapter title from a song of the same name by Yellowcard.


	6. All I'm Losing is Me

**Chapter 6: All I'm Losing Is Me**

Lucas sat out in the middle of the court. Historically, his normal perch would be on the sideline picnic table, but that position just didn't seem right for the occasion. He really wished he had a basketball right now so he could mindlessly stroke jump shots until the sun came up. It would clear his head, albeit temporarily, but he knew he needed to think while the events were still fresh in his memory. Though he didn't know if he could really forget what had happened, possibly for quite some time.

He reviewed the Peyton-Brooke "stand-off" (he couldn't think of a better term at the moment) in his mind's eye. Approaching it like a film director, he tried to rotate the images floating through his head as if he had control of a video camera of his life. He wanted to consider every angle, every possibility. Even so far removed from that moment, the tension was palpable. He tried to identify the source of the greatest tension. Was it Peyton finally opening herself to him, only to instantly realize he was not alone in that room? Was it Brooke recognizing that the first object of Lucas' heart had returned to reciprocate at the worst possible time? Was it Peyton and Brooke suddenly having to confront a serious challenge to the integrity of their famed "hoes-over-bros" motto? These were all significant, but he knew where the greatest tension was. It was inside him, captured succinctly by the tortured look he knew he must have had on his face.

He envisioned it as a sort of battle. Lucas versus Lucas. _A theoretical boxing match is an apt metaphor, _he thought. _Let's run with it. _In one corner, a boy long afraid to feel, the outcast in a small town, with (thus far) only one significant girl-boy relationship. And that was more of a brother-sister thing than anything romantic. Appearing on the scene is a girl he had always felt a connection to, who was just as scared as he was. A sudden crash of those two personalities, a crash that had awakened his heart. But she hadn't been ready, or at least ready to admit that she was ready. That brought him to the boy in the other corner. A boy who had been hurt but now knew his heart could make him feel more alive. And another girl who had showed him a different side of himself, helping him appreciate the spice of life. She had allowed him to feel despite the desire to bury himself in the pain of his life. He didn't quite look at her the same way he looked at the previous one – the one who had rejected him – but could he? Lucas watched the two imaginary boxers duke it out for a few minutes, neither one really able to gain a noticeable advantage. Shaking his head, Lucas decided to change his methodology.

He asked himself the fundamental question at the heart of the situation: was this a matter of choice, or a matter of feeling? He knew he could rationalize any decision, of that he was confident. _But is this really a decision? Or do I already know the answer, and I just need to recognize it? _There was also the separate but very relevant issue of Peyton and Brooke being best friends. If they talked it out and determined their friendship was most important, what he thought wouldn't mean jack. _Wow, what a mess. I could be here all night and be in the same predicament I was when I started. Or I could make it even worse with my tendency to over-analyze. _Just as he resigned himself to that fact, his thought-trance was broken by the loud rumble of an arriving vehicle. Lucas looked up. "Keith?"

x x x x

Peyton put the finishing touches on her sketch. She was quite satisfied with the result. Drawing for her was a way to record the events of life in a different way, a way in which she was talented and expressive. And to try and capture the rare moments when you really felt like a part of something larger than yourself. _Or re-live an awkward love triangle._ Placing her sketch pad on her desk, she flopped on her bed, eyes wide open but not focused on anything in particular. It was one of the few times in her life music was not playing in her room; it would normally be drowning out the noise of her ambient thoughts. Tonight, however, her thoughts were anything but ambient. Instead she was alone with her confusion, frustration, and fear. And her feelings. _Where's life's rewind button? Someone else pressed play and I can only watch events unfold in front of me. And wait._

x x x x

Brooke felt free. Free, in this case, involved sampling foamy beer from a keg, four shots of who-knows-what, and a raging dance party at who-knows-where. Her problems were forgotten. It was as if moving with the music in her inebriated state released all the tension out of her life. Even after the last chord faded, replaced by typical party noises – young voices in conversation, the crinkling of potato chip bags, the occasional annoying pop song masquerading as a cell phone ring tone – Brooke continued to sway gently to a beat only she could hear. _This is what I need._ _To feel serene and alive. To feel nothing_.

x x x x

Keith walked over to the visibly distraught form of his nephew. _Composure,_ he reminded himself. _No yelling until we get the situation all talked out. _"Thought I'd find you here," Keith said, in a rather harsh tone despite his mental reminder.

"Keith, I know I'm supposed to -- "

"Lucas," Keith cut in. "I don't want to argue. I just want to talk ... like we used to? I know something is going on. You going to tell me or do I have to wring it out of you?" He smiled a bit to indicate he was only joking.

Lucas knew he had been engrossed in his ruminations and had no idea how late it was. Secretly, he was glad Keith was here. It stopped him from agonizing over the situation endlessly and probably tail spinning into hopelessness. He knew he'd treated his uncle – practically his dad, despite the existence of Dan Scott – poorly and he wanted to make amends. "I'd like that," Lucas said gratefully as he stood up and brushed off his jeans.

"Alright then. Let's get home, I'll make some coffee, and we can sit down and talk awhile." Keith and Lucas climbed into the trusty red tow truck and headed off into the night.

x x x x

Dan sat back in an easy chair, clutching a tumbler in his right hand. He loved this routine of his – a nightcap of scotch, sometimes two, in the darkened trophy room of his magnificent home. It helped him relax, especially after difficult days like today. _Nathan just doesn't understand. I'll have to make him see the big picture so he doesn't live a life of bitter regret. I know what is best for my son, and if Deb can't reconcile with that reality...then what?_ He loved Deb still, but he didn't need her questioning his every move. He knew exactly what he was doing. Dan resolved to try and patch up their relationship, so that they could present Nathan with a united front. He took another swallow, the alcohol smoothing the frayed edges of his life. Calming him. Reassuring him.

-Note: Chapter title from a song of the same name by Saves The Day.


End file.
